Mum,
Its 1985 and your world has just fallen apart.
You were 28 and you’re now a single mother of 4 and your husband was found to be unfaithful. Worst of all it was with the next door neighbour in a caravan park.
I remember being half asleep and hearing the final fight. I didn’t tell you that I heard it. I remember the day us going for a walk the next day and you trying to explain it to me.
It felt as though my childhood ended that day. I was now the “man” of the house and most of your time was occupied with a newborn.
So I felt it was my job was try and keep the other two inline to help you out and that my needs became irrelevant for the sake of the greater good.
I suppose that feeling of being irrelevant followed me through out life and has impacted my ability to form attachments and relationships.
I’ve often felt it it wasn’t for me being born would your life have been better. Would you have stayed in that shitty relationship ? What would your life have looked like.
I’ve felt that all of your pain and struggles started with me and I know that’s an irrational thought to have.
With the benefit of hindsight you developed depression and anxiety due to the stress and basically became my own parent.
I’m not blaming you for how I turned out.
I understand that we are a product of our environment and our attachments and that you did the best you could.
I only wish you had gotten help with your depression and anxiety earlier so you could have been the parent I needed and so I didn’t have to deal with my depression and anxiety today.
Love
Alan